Happy Birthday to Me?

Today is my birthday and I am sad.

A gunshot or a phone buzz, which sounded the same to me, woke me up early. It was a birthday greeting, my first birthday greeting, and I am sad.

I washed my face and watched the sun blind me or greet me, as it peeped through my small bathroom window, and I am sad.

I poured a bottle of honey empty onto my plate of pancake. It was too sweet it traveled through and around my body, reaching for my bitter soul or rotting my teeth, and I am sad.

I got dressed and got ready for work. Today is a nice day or a nightmare, and I am sad.

I arrived with people flashing their fake smiles at me, reading messages of some others wishing me a happy birthday or a horrible death, others who I’ve estranged myself from. Strange enough, they’re reaching for me now, they probably need something from me now. Probably my choking laugh or my lonesome soul, and I am sad.

They gave me some of the most beautiful roses I have ever seen my entire life. The aroma felt like a grandmother caressing my face or punching my brain, and I am sad.

They took me out on a dinner to “celebrate”. I was so confused I wanted to scream, but I shut my eyes and zipped my mouth instead. Do sad people have to be happy on birthdays? Are birthdays not supposed to be counted on the year you don’t feel joy? If that is so, there will only be 364 days in my calendar, and I am sad.

But you know what, I won’t let any day make me say I’m okay, when I’m not.

Today is my birthday and I am nothing but sad.



What do you do on days when you feel nothing at all?

When no emotional attachment could fill you.

No surprise can exhilarate you.

No good news can tranquil you.

When no design of change of could ever excite you anymore.

What do you on those days?

What do you on moments when the energy that used to be like a river that endlessly flows through your veins has run dry?

When emotions that used to explode inside you like someone else’s firecrackers has lost its sound.

What do you on those moments?

What do you do on seconds that feels like forever?

Like a hung-up tone or poverty.

What do you do when your laughter sounds like breaking hopes or doubting tomorrows?

What do you do?

Designs of a Perfect Romance

I can’t say I’m a romantic person myself but I love the idea of romance.

It’s a bit contradicting to my first sentence, but for a very long time, I am personally not that fond of it for myself. Though I admit I was entertaining any possibility of being in a lasting relationship by accepting suitors I’m a bit interested in knowing, answering phone calls and replying to messages, but all of these “try-outs” ended up with me being disgusted with the idea. If you care to know why, let’s just say it’s just that I haven’t yet met the one that was made for me.

I am absolutely not a reliant person. I love not being obliged to give updates of my daily affairs to anyone. I like being able to spend a lot of time on anything I think of doing aside from work, like reading, binge-watching, recording some of my favorite songs by midnight and unlimited karaoke time with my friends. I am perfectly enjoying my life. Yet lately, there are times I’m disheartened by the fact that I share no love interest with anyone in it, unlike many girls of my age.

Let me introduce myself. I am a bookworm and a movie buff. I read and watch a lot of things but most of them are full of romance – women happily ending up with an attractive gentlemen that took their breaths away with their gorgeous smiles, gallant expressions of love and honest poetic words. Like every other girl who shares the same interests as mine, I am always identified as a “perfectionist” when it comes to it. They blame the books I read and the movies I watch, the designs of a perfect romance, as the causes of me being single and instantly losing enthusiasm in courtship. Well, I disclose they are right.

I am nowhere near perfection, but isn’t it lovely to think of having your feet swept away with a man who loves music, who can both speak to you politically and laugh frivolously at your silly jokes? A man who will definitely leave his job aside and take you out-of-town just so could rant about your arrogant workmate, cry about your dead puppy, or talk about your mountain of disappointments. A man who would rather watch you wander around the bookstore for five hours every day than sipping at a bar with his friends he hasn’t seen for a long time. A man with a charming smile that lightens up every embarrassment, makes you want to conquer all your fears because he thinks you can be great in many things. A man who reads T.S Elliot to you by sunset, plays guitar to you by moonlight, and serves you an aromatic coffee in the morning. A man who looks at you like you are the most beautiful thing he has laid his eyes on, like he sees your soul and loves every bit of your flaws. A man, who, if not nonexistent,  is living in an undiscovered island to shut himself from the world.

I don’t blame the movies and the books for creating such gentlemen, but I am perfectly aware that nothing is perfect in this world and I am, ofcourse, not expecting I would find it. I just hope one day, I will be finding someone that I will be braving all my fears for. I just hope I would fall in love one day. In love not infatuated. I think in almost 24 years of my life, I can finally separate love from infatuation. I long to feel and be pulled down uncontrollably into someone’s gravity. To be deeply in love with a man even after you’ve seen his best and worst.

Though there are moments I can be sentimental about being single and hope that I will find the one anytime soon, I am anything but impatient. I know that though I might think I’m ready, I’m not. I’m clumsy, and there’s an awful big chance for me to say some foolish words and scare him away.

I am aware that the Lord holds the master plan. I know that He has, long ago, written my love story. Though the one might be imperfect, I will love him perfectly for His ways are perfect (Psalm 18:30), and for me to receive the instruction of this master plan of romance, I must first take His desires to be my own desires. If I keep my focus on Him, I will see His lead to where the one is. By then, I will be able to understand why he hadn’t come to the scene when the wrong ones did.

Though I honestly hope he can come sooner, I am in no rush. I am waiting, just like how the moon waits for the sun to set before it shines. You may ask how will I know if the one that comes in is really the one. Well, I will, because there will be no need for me to try and choose to love him, it is inevitable. I won’t have to train myself looking at the good things he can do and look away from his flaws for I will love them too. I believe that the love that is meant for you, though has to be taken care of, does not require force or great effort. You don’t have to choose to love the one, it is natural, because you are made for him and he was made for you.

I have no idea when and how he’ll come just like everyone else, but I am sure he will, and whatever decoration I may be able to put into the idea of my romantic affair, it would not matter if he finally walks in. For now, all I can do is make myself worthy of his love and the Lord’s plan for us when it’s finally our turn to play our parts in His design.

Atonementstruck: A Short Amateur Review of Atonement

Last Monday was the first time I ever made myself watch Joe Wright’s Atonement, a film-adaptation of Ian McEwan’s authorship of the same name and all I can say is that it is plainly an incredible film!

Everything is on-point, let alone the cinematography. Joe Wright became an essential director of emotions. Talk about the well-played plot, the feeling it gives you is unexplainable. Also, the lines make you want to hang on to them, wring every substantial meaning from them, and recite them in your head. It’s melancholically sparkling, ironic.

I have no intentions of spoiling, but the story revolves around a false accusation and testimony of a 13-year old Briony Tallis against her sister’s lover. Cecilia Tallis and Robbie Turner were torn apart as the latter was imprisoned and was soon sent to the British army. Cecilia then estranged herself to her family, being the only one, aside from Robbie’s mother, who believed he is innocent. Briony, eventually realizing the great weight of the lie she created as a young girl and how it built a life-long despair to the lovers and to herself, aimed for atonement.

As it finishes with the credits showing up, I started to think that maybe Atonement isn’t really a film, but a feeling. It never failed to give me chills from start to end! For some, the progression of the events can be quite slow sometimes, but I think that is just how it’s supposed to be – every emotion of the moment should be perceived by all our senses. The wordless languid scenes allow us to think, feel and understand the very sense of the movie – the great cost a lie, whatever form or degree, demands from life.

“I had for a very long time decided to tell the absolute truth. No rhymes, no embellishments… but the effect of all this honesty was rather pitiless, you see. I couldn‚Äôt any longer imagine what purpose would be served by it.” – Briony Tallis

My favorite, which probably is everyone’s favorite too, is the Dunkirk beach scene. The breath-taking Dunkirk scene. The transitions are amazing and imaginative. It felt as if I was at the same place while feeling the same pain and weariness that the characters are feeling. Not to mention the hazy melancholic parts where Robbie was dreaming of coming home to Cee and his mother.


Dunkirk Campground (Photo from Google) 

The last scene, where Robbie and Cecilia are playing at the shore, having the time of their lives they have always deserved, was a perfect ending that lessens the ache of an utterly heavy-hearted viewer. It was rather solace.


Ofcourse, James McAvoy is unsurprisingly the apple of the eye. He is just so amazing in laying down all kinds of emotion that you can’t take your eyes off his face. He’s a jaw-droppingly awesome actor and he deserves all sorts of award for his performance. After watching Atonement, I reckon I am deeply in love with this actor. Everything he does is just so perfect.


I mean look at those eyes. They tear me apart!

The only possible negative thing I can say about it is that I’m personally not that pleased with Kiera’s performance. She was okay, like she usually is, but being okay is not at all fine when you’re acting next to an extraordinarily magnificent actor like James McAvoy! They could’ve chosen a better Cecilia, in my opinion. Her eyes looked so empty when they’re supposed to be brimming with too much pain from the loss of a bright future with the one-great-love of your life. To me, she was unsuccessful in carrying out the sorrow and love, all I was able to see was pride and lust. Nonetheless, her lack of prominence in the film was overpowered with a great plot and other great performances.

Inspite of Kiera, I still love this film and I will definitely recommend it to anyone who’ll ask me of a great movie, in case they want to be atonement-stricken as I am. I downloaded a pdf of McEwan’s book and I have to see for myself whether the book is just as good as the film or maybe even better, like what usually happens… but more than anything, hats off to Atonement! 

Box of Chocolates

It has almost been two years ago since I graduated from college with the hopes that I will finally be landing my feet on the road to becoming a successful media practitioner. Yet, until now, I am not sure of where I wanna be.

I was always that kind of girl who had a strong sense of identity. I knew what I wanted to be as a youngster Рa famous news anchor and a journalist. I used to be standing in front of a mirror watching myself talk about sensible things and imagining the cameras and lights on me. I wanted to be able to go anywhere in the world gathering and telling stories of people and the events surrounding them.  Where has the girl I used to be gone? I am clueless, just as I am clueless about what I want to do now.

You’ll never guess what I’m up to today. I am in my family’s air¬†conditioning¬†business as an accounting officer. Yep, accounting.¬†This might be¬†the last thing I would want to be involved in before I leave Earth.¬†“Life¬†is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’re gonna get.”, as Forest Gump says. This might be the reason why¬†I’m not a big fan of chocolates. Who would’ve thought that I’d¬†be¬†doing something I’ve always avoided to do?

Don’t get me wrong, my job isn’t bad. I’m learning a lot from it everyday. I think I’m now better in math, or at least in counting. I developed my attention to minute details. My memory has evidently improved too. That, and more. I just think that this is not exactly right for me. I’m not supposed to be sitting in the same table everyday and doing stuff in patterns. The things I do now are definitely opposite from myself. If my patience is¬†shorter that it is now, I would have flown to rainbow land and left all these stuff hanging, never looking back. I cannot afford to do that now. I cannot betray my relatives and bring their hopes down. I cannot settle for a minimum wage somewhere else when¬†my parents terribly need my financial help while my siblings are¬†in college. There are a lot of considerations right now and I feel caged¬†and I allow myself to be. Even if I leave this field, I’m not sure I still want to be part of the media afterwards. I’m totally blank. Uninhabited by ideas and dreams. The Lord seem to have emptied my mind. I’m beating myself up for being lame and boring and unproductive for quite long. My life is colorless.

I remember when my 19-year old brother once told me that I should be taking life easy, that I should realize I’m young. It hit me. Life won’t always be like this. I will be landing where I’m supposed to be when everything, including my senses, are ready. I may not have it all figured out now, but I will, eventually. I think that is the most amazing thing about life – you have to take it one day at a time. Everyday is a surprise. I’m sure I’ll be waking up one day certain of where I was destined to be and will be there right away. I will, by then, understand that the momentary stops are essential in building who I am as preparations to my ultimate fate. I should be laid-back and be comforted¬†in the fact that I am young, there are a lot for me to learn and¬†I won’t be able to gather them in one place alone.

I am speaking for girls and boys of my age, who crams into life thinking they should, by now, be someone they want to be or have everything figured out. We’re like picking up all the building blocks of our life and trying to hold ¬†it in our hands¬†all at the same time. No intentions of pausing, to put one block in place before picking another to lessen the load. Life is a series of surprises, let us enjoy these. Some may walk towards their fate barefoot, some in shoes or maybe wheels, some in baby steps. The only thing we have in common is that we are going to learn something important in every place we pass¬†through. These things are significant pieces of our lives. We have to pay attention. It’ll all make sense soon. Life is indeed a box of chocolates.

Anne is my Kindred Spirit

I cannot forgive myself for being such a procrastinator and a slug for 23 years when I should have read, seen and smelled¬†¬†Lucy Maud Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables Series¬†a long time ago.

It was just two¬†weeks ago that I found interest in watching the television series from CBC. A television¬†miniseries were aired on 1985, 1987, then on 2000 as a television adaptation of L.M Montgomery’s most famous Anne novels. By heaven’s grace, I¬†came across these on Youtube (forgive my standards), downloaded from a good online movie site, and now I cannot get it off my head!

Anne of Green Gables tells¬†the blooming of a talkative red-haired orphan from a discounted girl to an¬†endeared woman. Anne,¬†whose imaginations are as wild and free as an eagle and whose guts are as tough as a mountain goat, is everything I hoped to be as a child, until real life events got the better of me. I love that she is able to bring out the best in everyone around her and change their hearts. There is something about her that inspires us, women, to believe in our own potentials and allow ourselves to become the best versions of us while taking criticisms as motivation towards it.¬† It is impossible not to love the character in an instant.¬†I would love to think that the¬†strong-willed Anne Shirley, played by Megan Follows, is¬†my kindred spirit, as she loves to put it, though she’s better at everything.

The only thing I could never understand about Anne is how she was so blinded of how magnificently gorgeous Gilbert Blythe was and how confounded she was with her feelings for him at the beginning.

Of course, who wasn’t swept away by Mr. Blythe, the most perfect gentleman that was ever framed¬†in the world of fiction? The role was¬†exquisitely¬†brought to life by Jonathan Crombie, who made it even more perfect (insert my titters in between words). He made me realize how pure love can be expressed through a tender¬†gaze from afar and how long-standing the affections of a man¬†can be without asking for anything in return. (Too much for mushiness, I know.)

Those¬†who know me well enough, understand that I am not very fond of romance of my own for as long as I can remember. I resolved¬†that I will¬†die an old maid as it is easier to live without it, but watching the series every single night since December, made me think I might be missing something very important in my life. Ms. Barry once said,¬†“Make a little room in your plans for romance again, Anne, girl. All the degrees and scholarships in the world can’t make up for the lack of it.”. I’m doomed. I guess I need to rearrange my plans or at least pay attention to what the Lord plans for my romance. I started to worry that I might regret not reconsidering having it¬†in the future.

I could also never forget how Matthew Cuthbert makes¬†my heart ache every time I see him on the screen! His timid and limited words are jewel. His love for a girl he doesn’t even own is incomparable. Matthew never ceases to provide Anne¬†all the support she needs even for her most ludicrous dreams.¬†Then, there’s Marilla Cuthbert. Oh how I love her! Her tight-but-soft-inside image resembles very much with my mother’s. She is good¬†at making your knees weak with her high-toned speeches and sharp stares, but makes sure you get the right amount of encouragement you need everyday. She will not tell you very much of how she loves you but shows it in every single way possible.

Tell me, how in the world, am I ever going to move on from these?¬†I’m blown away.

I am still on the mission of finding the complete collection of Montgomery’s masterpieces. I learned that the series are made up of 8 books (or 11 if you would include other Avonlea stories) and I got no plans of stopping until I’ve hoarded them all. I am certain that I will love every character more by reading them. (Mind you, sniffing through the pages of a book helps. It has never let me down.). I’m pretty sure I’ll be crazy about¬†Ms. Maud by then. For now, I will let myself be haunted by the television series.

I’d be very glad to share my thoughts with you once the books are in my hands!

Behold! My Feet’s Finally on the Road.

You might be aware of it already, but those with deep-seated love and uncontrollable addiction to words, dreams to drive other readers into a different world, the way they were taken away by other authors. They desire to bring others into the labyrinth of words and let them get lost into the world they personally made out of their irrepressible imaginations. For short, every bookworm longs to write his own masterpiece of literary work and have it published —- and so do I.

However, like any other average dreamers, I got bunch of insecurities and doubts. I don’t firmly believe I have such book-worthy words. The reason why sometimes I find it difficult to land a pen on a paper, or a finger on the keyboard, for that matter.

In defiance of that, I want to try. I need to try if I really want to be somewhere I imagined myself in someday. Who knows? I might have an inner-beast I am yet to unleash. I may be intended to craft some fictional worlds, inspire new movies, or to drive other dreamers to take a step of any size towards their hopes. So, this happened. Me, writing my first set of words in my first wordpress post, and you, reading it. I’ll make tons of great works someday, or atleast I’m inspired to. That should start something. Be patient, because I am.